The hits just keep coming

Well Aero and I are buying a house, talk about stressful! There are some things wrong with it, but i think we'll get everything settled in time of the closing. I don't know why we decided to take this on right before the wedding....we must have been drunk when making that decision!

So with the excitement and stress of buying the house, I'm also looking for a job and quitting smoking. I'm finding it harder and harder to quit when my mind is just going crazy thoughts running around my head. I'm trying to make plans for the move and what I want to do with the house. I have a few ideas, but they're going to take awhile to put into effect. I've been watching HGTV to get some ideas too. I've seen some great things there, you know if I had a spare 30 grand laying around. I'm sure I can find things on a budget.

I also got some news today. I found out that Eleven is going to be moving sooner than expected. Her plans fell through to take over Ginger and Gilligan's  apartment. I'm going to be without any friends sooner than I anticipated. It's stressing me out pretty bad. I don't feel like I can talk to them about it because I don't want to bring anyone down. They are so excited about the move...I don't want anyone to feel like they can't discuss things around me.

I'm really tired of being so emotional, I know Aero hates it. I try to not let him see me cry either, I don't want him to think it's because of him. Well that and he told me he feels so hopeless when he sees me like this. I don't want to be the cause of him feeling that way.

I'm still trying to quit smoking too, and this whole situation is not making it any easier. I am having more and more cravings that are harder to ignore. Aero told me he was ok with me getting a pack as long as I can promise to only smoke one...the problem is I can't. I'm so stressed right now that there is no way I can promise that. I need to talk to him about it though...I'm afraid if I don't I'm just going to buy a pack and hide it from him. That is too much like lying to me.

Just want to sleep

I haven't written anything in about a week...I keep telling myself I'm going to wait until I get out of this funk that I'm in. The problem is, I'm afraid if I do that then it's going to be quite awhile before I write anything again. I wake up everyday and tell myself that I'm going to be in a good mood...but it just doesn't happen. I know Aero is starting to wonder what's going on, I just don't know how to explain to him that I don't know! I have absolutely no reason to be sad. My life is actually going really well right now, well aside from everyone moving away...but I'm going to have to deal with that one way or another.

The thing that is getting to me...I know everyone is moving in like a month but I'm having a hard time bringing myself to take the initiative to hang out with them. It's almost as if I'm trying to prepare myself for when they're gone. I know I talk to DD and Ginger at work...but they are both insanely busy, and I don't want to bug them.

I did tell my doctor about what's been going on with me and my mood lately. he gave me some new meds...I'm just hoping they help. I didn't think that someone could cry as much as I do and stay sane. I am so scared that Aero is going to think he's making me unhappy...but that is so far from the truth. Lately the time I am able to spend with him is the highlight of my day, and the only thing that seems to make the clouds go away.

Another thing that is scaring me. I don't want to get back to that dark place that I used to be in. Those were some very bleak and very dark days. I never want to be there again...and will do whatever I need to just to make sure I never am.