Been awhile

It's been a couple of months since I've written, but things have been a bit insane around here. Aero and I bought a house, and are actually moving in tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to starting our life together. It's hard to believe, but the wedding is only a week and a half away! It's all happening so quickly...but I'll be glad when it's over. I really need things to slow down and settle into a routine. I don't do so well with all this stress.

I'm adjusting to everyone being so far away. It turns out that Eleven moved with everyone else. She was unable to move into Ginger's apartment and didn't have anyplace to go...so she left earlier than planned. I'm trying to be strong, and make new friends...but we all know how that has turned out for me in the past. We are moving though, so maybe it's just what I needed....a new beginning!

The hits just keep coming

Well Aero and I are buying a house, talk about stressful! There are some things wrong with it, but i think we'll get everything settled in time of the closing. I don't know why we decided to take this on right before the wedding....we must have been drunk when making that decision!

So with the excitement and stress of buying the house, I'm also looking for a job and quitting smoking. I'm finding it harder and harder to quit when my mind is just going crazy thoughts running around my head. I'm trying to make plans for the move and what I want to do with the house. I have a few ideas, but they're going to take awhile to put into effect. I've been watching HGTV to get some ideas too. I've seen some great things there, you know if I had a spare 30 grand laying around. I'm sure I can find things on a budget.

I also got some news today. I found out that Eleven is going to be moving sooner than expected. Her plans fell through to take over Ginger and Gilligan's  apartment. I'm going to be without any friends sooner than I anticipated. It's stressing me out pretty bad. I don't feel like I can talk to them about it because I don't want to bring anyone down. They are so excited about the move...I don't want anyone to feel like they can't discuss things around me.

I'm really tired of being so emotional, I know Aero hates it. I try to not let him see me cry either, I don't want him to think it's because of him. Well that and he told me he feels so hopeless when he sees me like this. I don't want to be the cause of him feeling that way.

I'm still trying to quit smoking too, and this whole situation is not making it any easier. I am having more and more cravings that are harder to ignore. Aero told me he was ok with me getting a pack as long as I can promise to only smoke one...the problem is I can't. I'm so stressed right now that there is no way I can promise that. I need to talk to him about it though...I'm afraid if I don't I'm just going to buy a pack and hide it from him. That is too much like lying to me.

Just want to sleep

I haven't written anything in about a week...I keep telling myself I'm going to wait until I get out of this funk that I'm in. The problem is, I'm afraid if I do that then it's going to be quite awhile before I write anything again. I wake up everyday and tell myself that I'm going to be in a good mood...but it just doesn't happen. I know Aero is starting to wonder what's going on, I just don't know how to explain to him that I don't know! I have absolutely no reason to be sad. My life is actually going really well right now, well aside from everyone moving away...but I'm going to have to deal with that one way or another.

The thing that is getting to me...I know everyone is moving in like a month but I'm having a hard time bringing myself to take the initiative to hang out with them. It's almost as if I'm trying to prepare myself for when they're gone. I know I talk to DD and Ginger at work...but they are both insanely busy, and I don't want to bug them.

I did tell my doctor about what's been going on with me and my mood lately. he gave me some new meds...I'm just hoping they help. I didn't think that someone could cry as much as I do and stay sane. I am so scared that Aero is going to think he's making me unhappy...but that is so far from the truth. Lately the time I am able to spend with him is the highlight of my day, and the only thing that seems to make the clouds go away.

Another thing that is scaring me. I don't want to get back to that dark place that I used to be in. Those were some very bleak and very dark days. I never want to be there again...and will do whatever I need to just to make sure I never am.

ugh...just ugh

Today was just one of those days. It was a very boring day today...I seem to do more reading than working lately. I know most people would think that this would be wonderful, but it actually worries me. Since they opened the second site for our account the other site has grown, while my site has just dwindled. It makes me worry about my job security. While I honestly do not plan on being there after April, I don't want to be out of work before this. I'd rather leave on my own terms, rather than be laid off. I know that other people are thinking the same thing.

On another note, I'm really trying to process and deal with everyone moving away. I'm trying like hell to be as supportive as I know how to be. I feel kind of weird writing about this here because I know Ginger reads my blog (hi Ginger!) but I just feel like I need to. I'm super happy for her and Gilligan, but at the same time it really sucks. I know that the day they leave will be here before long.

I really wish I was better with this sort of thing. It makes me feel like I'm emotionally young sometimes. I know it's bothering other people...but I feel like I'm having a harder time dealing with this than most. I just need to grow the hell up, people move away right?

Updating....Updating....

So another week has come and gone. I'm starting to deal a little better with the thought of people moving away. It still makes me tear up from time to time, but I think i'm getting better. Ginger is on her way to the other site for a week, and Gilligan went with her so they can work on finding an apartment or house.

I'm starting to see how it's going to be when everyone is gone. Ginger and Gilligan are the only two of the people from the group that we hang out with one on one with any regularity. I've been trying to not spend as much time with Ginger as I used to. She was feeling a bit smothered I think. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to hang out with her at all, we have a wedding to plan after all! I'm just going to give her some space, maybe just hang out one or two nights a week.

On another note, I have GOT to get my lazy butt  back to the gym. I haven't been since we went to Oklahoma. No matter what, I don't care how cold it is...I WILL be going first thing tomorrow. I cannot let all my hard work go to waste.

It's my first time!

So, it was suggested to me by my friend Ginger that I should start blogging. Apparently she's a little worried about me, and how I'm going to be able to cope after she moves away. I'm going to admit the thought of that sucks big time, but it's not just her that's moving away. Her hubby is my fiancee's best friend and our friend Dildo Daggins is moving with them as well.

I guess before I get too far into what is going on now and in the near future, I guess I should put down a little about me, just in case the random person comes along to my blog.

I'm Teal, which is obviously not my real name....actually none of the names I use will be real. If that's not obvious y'all must think my friends and I have some REALLY interesting names! Well, I'm engaged to the most wonderful guy in the world, we'll call him Aero (yes Ginger I'm stealing your names, sorry!) I'm really excited about the upcoming wedding...it's in just over three months!

I never thought I would get married again, since my first marriage was so horrible. That was a very dark time in my life, as my ex was extremely abusive. I swore I would never get married again, but then I met Aero. I knew him for about two years before we even met! We met online, and actually Ginger's husband introduced us. I was so nervous when we decided to meet, but it was all worth it. I swear, when he walked in the door, it's as if the entire universe lined up perfectly at that just second. I knew right then and there that he was the man I was going to marry, and three months later I was moving across the country to be with him!

Fast forward to today. I've been here for almost a year, and I can honestly say this is probably the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have a wonderful man by my side and the greatest friends you could ever possibly ask for.

I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with everyone moving away. It's really hard for me to trust people, because of things that happened in my past. It's actually really scary because I've never let anyone in like I have these guys. I learned at a very young age that when you let someone in, and get close to you there were only two outcomes. They would either end up completely back stabbing you, using everything they learned about you against you....inflicting more pain that you can imagine. Or, they just leave.

I know in my heart that Dildo, Ginger, and Gilligan will never do that to me, and that just because they are leaving it doesn't mean they are never going to talk to me again...hell they are all in my wedding in some way! It's just that some things are hard to work through. I've tried to explain this to Ginger, but I can never seem to find the words. I always end up crying, which I know makes her uncomfortable. I'm going to give her the link to this, so maybe she'll be able to understand it a little better now.

I know it sounds like I'm going to be all alone, but I'm really not. I'm going to have Aero, Eleven, and CPK. It's just going to be hard with the other half of our gang like 600 miles away. Well on the bright side, I'm going to see Ginger on our birthday weekend...that's also the weekend that we're doing my bachelorette party. Yeah, that's going to be a blast!

Ok, I think that's long enough for my first blog. I'm going to be hopefully updating this often. I need a place to put my thoughts and feelings instead of leaving them bottled up inside. According to Ginger and Aero that isn't exactly healthy. >.>